From: J. A. Wilson, Investigating Officer Extraordinaire
To: District Chief of STUFF
Subject: RESULTS OF INVESTIGATION 02-02-1899 (deyamm Y2K) YOU ORDERED INTO POSSIBLE MALINGERING AND ATTEMPTS TO DEFRAUD THE CG DISABILITY RETIREMENT SYSTEM
1. At 1700 on February 2, 1999, I attempted to interview both suspects. Each refused to respond to my interrogations. After reading both their rights, one tooka fifth & the other barely wagged to me. Immediately below is evidence of the condition each suspect claimed to be in at that time:
Suspect (1) SJA
Suspect (2) Lagniappe the Brit
2. Early that afternoon, I did some undercover surveillance on both subjects. Immediately below is the results of that surveillance:
Suspect (1) Caught in the Action
Suspect (2) Caught in No Action
3. The facts show that although Suspect (2) is claimed as a dependent on his master's W-2 form, suspect (2) does not have a military ID card and thus is eliminated as an alleged attempter, or even an a-baiter or an a-better, at government disability fraud. (Further Suspect (2), after leaving the Animal Hospital will be unable to provide his master with any future dependents.)
4. The facts also show that although Suspect (1) claimed to be permanently and totally disabled, a surreptitious view I got through the window immediately prior to announcing myself at the door showed him just returning from the fridge with a silly grin on his face.
Further, while attempting to interview Suspect (1), I noted a person of female persuasion (possibly a relative) was sitting to the Suspect's right and working the Web, surfing military and VA disability sites.
5. I noted that Suspect (1) has no leave available between now and his terminal date, hence no ability to take legitimate time off.
6. I further determined that Suspect (1) is a Short-Timer & has little regard for the consequences of his actions. I quote, "The only way they can hurt me with an OER is to roll it up and poke me in the eye with it!"
7. I determined that Suspect (2) was neither malingering nor attempting to defraud the government disability system.
8. I further determined that the investigation into Suspect (1) was inconclusive on both allegations (after a threat to me concerning liberty and all future weekends).
J. A. WILSON